


Unsteady

by sparkly_things



Category: Starfighter (Comic)
Genre: Abel/Praxis endgame, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-War, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, happy end I guess, just minor fluff tho sadly don't let me fool you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 09:31:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13164117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkly_things/pseuds/sparkly_things
Summary: Cain and Abel give their relationship a chance after the end of the war, trying to overcome the insecurities and difficulties  standing in the way of their happiness, but their time together comes to an end too soon when Cain dies. Abel is left alone with his grief, and he sinks into depression, unable to forget about Cain. An unexpected meeting with Praxis offers him a chance to recover and find happiness again.





	Unsteady

**Author's Note:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS T.K./TENKA!!! ヽ(*・ω・)ﾉ  
> Here's your gift from your Starfighter Secret Santa; I hope you will like it! ♡
> 
> I went with the angst option, but I might've went a bit overboard with it, for that I'm really sorry! I still hope you will find this story enjoyable to read and that I won't make your Christmas too sad. (;w;) I tried to include all the pairings you listed, but poor Encke/Keeler ended up with a minor role only.
> 
> I hope you had a very happy Christmas darling, and I wish you all the best for the upcoming New Year! ♡♡♡

Someone rings the doorbell.

Ethan gets up from the sofa, his heart jumping in his chest. He’s been waiting for hours now, sitting alone, his eyes glued to a documentary he hasn’t really been watching, worrying about Alexei.

He starts for the door. He is happy that Alexei is home, no matter what state he arrives in; he can’t forget the argument that made Alexei left, but he can forgive it, because he loves Alexei, and he wants to solve this.

He is happy that he is home, so he almost runs to the entrance, ready to pull Alexei into his arms, ready to tell him that he’s sorry, that he forgives, that together they will work everything out. Ready to tell him he is happy for him to be back home.

But when he yanks the door open, it’s not Alexei who stands on the doorstep.

 

Everything seems surreal after that. His knees give out and he almost falls to the ground, but one of the police officers catches him midfall. He is dragged to the sofa to sit.

_No_.

The policeman asks if he has anyone they can call for him, anyone who could stay with him for a while, until he feels better.

He can’t breathe.

_This must be a misunderstanding_.

Someone says Keeler’s name; it’s his voice but he can’t remember speaking. He hands his phone to the officer when he asks for the number, feeling unable to look up the contact info himself.

He feels sick.

_This can’t happen, not to me. This must be a misunderstanding._

He shivers, his whole body shakes. His teeth chatter in his mouth, his lips trembling wildly as he tries to hold back the tears. If he cries, this will become reality, this pain will become reality, and he doesn’t want that. It’s a dream, a bad joke. Someone must be mistaken.

_This can’t be happening. Not to me. Not to us._

He cries softly at first, his mind still processing what he heard. He asks the police officers a hundred times if they are sure about this, if it’s really about Alexei, if they are not mistaken.

He cries hard when Keeler arrives, clinging onto him, screaming in pain, wailing and whimpering and sobbing until he wears himself out completely.

Keeler helps him into bed then, pushes a pill into his hand, telling him to take it.

He takes the pill, drinks the water, lies down.

He cries more.

Keeler is lying next to him, caressing his back, muttering calming little nothings but they are not helping, and he gives up listening because he can’t, because this pain is too big, and he wishes his heart would really break instead of only feeling like it.

He cries until the pill kicks in, until he falls into a dreamless, disturbed sleep, hoping all this will prove to be a bad dream after waking up tomorrow, because this can’t be happening, not to them, no.

_This can’t be happening._

 

 

**C A I N**

They stand alone in front of the Alliance Headquarters’ entrance. The street is only dimly lit in the early autumn darkness and nearly empty; the few people walking by all hurry to reach their homes before the rain gets heavier. Two white-uniformed officers exit besides them, chatting cheerfully as they pass them. Ethan holds his discharge documents close to his chest to protect them from the rain, looking at the wet concrete. They stand close but still too far, awkward and nervous, not knowing what to say or how to act around each other anymore.

This is goodbye.

Alexei thought so much about what to say in this moment, practiced in his head a thousand times, yet his mind is blank now, and he stays quiet. There is tension in the air, and the silence is heavy between them.

He knows he should say it first; say goodbye and leave so that Ethan doesn’t have to be the one ending it. Ethan is strong, so strong but sensitive, so hurt and betrayed and still reluctant to part ways, still not wanting to end this on bad terms. Alexei knows that, and he wants to save Ethan from having to say the first goodbye, but his throat feels tight and he’s not sure if he can speak. That goodbye will cut the last string between them and he doesn’t want that. He is selfish and cruel, but he doesn’t want to let Ethan go, doesn’t want to watch him turn around and walk out of his life just like this.

Ethan looks at him finally, his eyes teary. He opens his mouth as if he wants to speak, but he changes his mind.

_I must man up_ , Alexei thinks. He must be the first one saying it, and he does.

“So, this is it, I guess,” he says silently, his voice raspy. “I… I wish you the best. Be happy, Ethan.”

He doesn’t want Ethan to notice how shaky and sad he is, so he turns on his heels and starts to leave, barely holding himself back from running.

“It doesn’t have to end like this.”

Alexei turns back slowly, not sure if he heard him right.

“It doesn’t have to end like this,” Ethan repeats, more firmly this time. “Alexei, I… I still think we were good together. I thought a lot about this, and I don’t want to end it like this.”

He takes a tentative step closer, but Alexei feels unable to move. His muscles are tense and he can hardly breath. He feels like a coward for not looking at Ethan, but he doesn’t want him to see how relieved he feels upon hearing his words, how desperate he feels to hear the rest.

“Now that this madness is over… I still believe that it could work out between us, so… So, if any of those things that you told me up there was true, I want to give this a chance. I want to give us a chance.”

He finally looks up at Ethan; his eyes are dark and beautiful, his gaze holding the same mix of fear, hurt and determination as when he told Alexei that they will make it back alive from their suicide mission, or when he looked back at him before closing the hatch on that very last attack, choosing to fight for his home planet and fulfilling his duty even with his heart freshly broken by Alexei’s betrayal.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” he asks him silently, trying to hide the needy hope in his voice.

Ethan nods and takes a step closer. He doesn’t kiss him, just puts a hand softly on his chest, tilts his head at just the right angle and looks into his eyes expectantly. “Yes,” he exhales, barely audible. Alexei finally leans in, hesitating some before gently pushing his lips onto Ethan’s. The scar’s barely visible now, but he thinks he can feel it with his lips, like a ghost scar, reminding him of his betrayal every time he looks at Ethan.

The kiss is cautious and still, their lips locked unmoving for a long minute, an invisible seal of their reunion.

 

He moves into Ethan’s apartment the next day; he barely has anything with him other than the essentials: his papers, the small amount of money he has left, and a pack of smokes stuffed into the small bag besides his few clothes.

The place is not too big, but modern, minimalistic and practical with way too much whiteness and light, the type of fashionable Earth home that he hates so much. But there’s Ethan and that’s all that matters, standing next to him awkwardly as he waits for him to take off his dirty boots. He helps him out of his rain-soaked jacket and puts it on the hanger neatly, fussing with offering Alexei slippers that he finds absolutely ridiculous, but which he accepts for Ethan’s sake anyway.

Ethan shows him around clumsily, nervously, as if it was the first time they met. He hates it from the bottom of his heart, wants to tell Ethan to cut this bullshit, to not treat him as if he was a stranger or a dangerous criminal, but he follows him politely in silence. He doesn’t want to screw this up more than he already has. This might be his last chance, his only chance.

Ethan blushes and gets nervous when they reach the bedroom. They haven’t had sex at all after he found out about Project Thebes, haven’t even kissed until last night, so Alexei’s heart jumps in his chest with excitement as he sees the king size bed that they will share. Ethan points at it embarrassedly.

“Well, I only have one bed, but… it’s fine, I guess.”

He looks at Ethan, but he doesn’t return his gaze. He hates this unrevealed tension between them, hates this pretence calmness. When the Alliance finally discharged them, he was sure Ethan would send him away, back to the Colonies or to hell, wherever he belonged. He was a traitor, a liar, some worthless colony scamp, nothing that Ethan should want or need, yet he invited Alexei into his life as if he was something worth saving, something worth fighting for, and it confused the hell out of him.

But if Ethan really wants to have him by his side, why is he so fidgety and insecure around him? Why does he behave as if Alexei was an unwanted guest or a nuisance? If he changed his mind about them being together, why doesn’t he just man up and say it?

It drives him mad.

He steps in front of Ethan, trapping him in one place with his pretence confidence that always swoop Ethan off his feet, and it works like magic again. Ethan shudders and looks up at him with eyes wide open, looking surprised and excited as if he was still a virgin.

“I thought you want things to be working between us again,” he takes Ethan’s face into both of his hands, forcing him to hold his gaze. “We always slept together, and sharing a bed is just what we need, don’t you think, baby?”

He kisses him fully on the mouth, deeply, dominantly, and he can feel the tension building up in Ethan before disappearing completely, leaving Ethan pliant and needy in his arms. He melts against him and surrenders to the kiss, his hands grabbing onto Alexei’s shirt on his chest, pulling him closer. Alexei knows he needs to take charge here, must make Ethan remember what they had up in space that made them fall madly for each other. Sex was what connected them first and he hopes it can reconnect them again, so he spins Ethan and throws him to the bed, determined to light the spark between them again, to make it into a bonfire of lust and need that will bond them together, even if not forever.

 

 

**A B E L**

A distant, transparent panic surfaces in the back of his mind as he swallows the last pills. He eases them down with the remaining gin and lies down on the bed, feeling bad about making trouble for Keeler but knowing that this is probably for the best. He doesn’t want to live like this, with this constant panging feeling of loss and guilt, he doesn’t want to hear Alexei’s voice calling for him when he falls asleep and doesn’t want to see him on every corner. All he wants is to get him back, but he knows it’s impossible, so instead he chooses to fall asleep and never wake up again. He hopes that the old tales about the otherworld are true, because he wants to meet Alexei, he desperately wants to meet him and apologize to him for not looking after him enough, for not protecting him enough.

He doesn’t know how much time passed and doesn’t even remember falling asleep, but suddenly he is awake, terrified, choking on his own sick. He doesn’t know how he manages to crawl out of the room and he doesn’t know how Keeler notices him, but he’s there besides him in an instant, holding him up as he throws up. He thinks he hears Encke’s voice, calling someone in a panicked voice, but everything hurts and he can’t focus anymore on anything else but the fear and the pain, and how he doesn’t want to die, not really, not like this...

 

He wakes up in a hospital bed. Keeler is reading in a chair next to him, his face illuminated by the cold, pale light of the bedside lamp.

“I guess I’m not dead,” Ethan says, his raspy voice barely a whisper. Keeler startles and quickly sets the book aside to sit beside him on the edge of the bed, taking his hand in his own.

“You’re not, sweetie, thanks Heaven,” he caresses his hand gently. “How did you even think of doing something like this? You scared us so much.”

“Can I have some water?”

“Yeah, sure.”

He sips on the water but nearly spills it, so he hands the glass back to Keeler and closes his eyes. His chest hurts. His stomach hurts. His hand hurts where the infusion needle pierces through his skin. His heart hurts. He wants to cry, and he lets the first tears roll down his face.

He sees Alexei behind his closed eyelids, thinks about how he lay in a hospital bed like this only some months ago. He remembers how cold his hand was as he held it, how beautiful he looked sleeping even with the bruises and his left eye swollen and purple. He feels responsible for that incident too. He shouldn’t have let Alexei leave that night; he knew he was going to get drunk somewhere, he knew that he always got himself into trouble, but he still didn’t stop him.

He should’ve looked after Alexei more. But he didn’t.

He didn’t look after him enough and now he was gone. He will never feel his hands in his again. He will never watch his peaceful face while he sleeps again.

_He is gone._

“Oh darling,” Keeler whispers when he notices his tears, gently patting his arm. “Don’t cry, please. Everything will be fine, I promise.”

“No,” he sobs, not even trying to hold back his tears now, not trying to seem strong anymore, not caring who sees or hears him in his miserable state. “I can’t live without him. I can’t.”

“I know sweetie… But you have to. It will be easier with time, trust me.”

“He died because of me,” Ethan continues to cry, ignoring Keeler completely.  “I chased him away and now he won’t come back. He won’t. I failed him, and I failed to follow him cause I’m a coward.”

He cries and cries, not even listening to Keeler’s futile attempts at calming him down and proving him wrong.

He was prepared to lose his comrades at war; he was even prepared to lose Alexei. He knew the time might come when he would have to say goodbye, when he would have to live without him. What he wasn’t prepared to was this soul-eating guilt, the never leaving thought that it was him who pushed Alexei into the arms of death.

 

 

**C A I N**

“Welcome home, babe,” Ethan greets him as Alexei enters the apartment, kicking his boots off and storming into the kitchen. He grabs a beer from the fridge and downs half of it in one shot, slamming the bottle onto the counter as if his bad day was its fault.

“What happened?” Ethan asks as he sheepishly stand in the kitchen door. He wears an oversized blue sweater and grey sweatpants; he looks soft and warm, and all Alexei wants is to cuddle up to him, hurt and sulking like a small child, but instead he downs the remains of his beer and dives into the fridge for another one.

“ _Rejected_.”

“Again?”

He doesn’t reply, but takes a big gulp of the beer, wishing they had something stronger. Ethan comes up to him and caresses his arm cautiously. “Because of your criminal record again?” he asks silently.

“They didn’t even give me a fucking chance. They told me to go and register for Earth documents, so I went to the bitching interplanetary immigration office, where they not so kindly informed me that for getting fucking Earth papers, I need to fill out and hand in a shit ton of other papers. Requesting citizenship, requesting fucking work permit, my school papers, my military records, release documents from the correctional facility, and even a fucking psychological test result proving that I’m fit to Earth’s sissy society and I won’t murder you all one by one, and who knows what the fuck else.”

“But hey, that’s not so bad, is it?” Ethan tries to smile at him, but he feels too angry to return it. “We hand in those documents and you get citizenship and work permit in no time.”

“I don’t have half of those shit, Ethan.”

“Then, we could ask your sister to send them over, can’t we?”

Alexei feels himself getting edgier from Ethan’s questions; it’s not even the babying tone that bothers him the most, but the fact that Ethan thinks everything can go smoothly and easily for a colonial brat like him on snooty old Earth.  He gulps down more of his beer before replying to Ethan through his teeth, “I don’t have my prison release shit, Ethan. Bering has it.”

“Then ask Bering to give them back.”

“He won’t.”

“What, why? Didn’t Bering say he’d help you if… if Project Thebes succeeds?”

“Well sweetheart, apparently the only thing he can help me with is sending me the fuck back to the colonies, only he forgot to tell me that when he recruited me. Maybe I should do that after all…”

“Why, no! Come on,” Ethan snuggles up to him, putting a reassuring arm around his slumped shoulders. “I mean, you can leave if you want, of course, but don’t let some papers scare you away. I’m sure we can collect everything they require, one way or the other.”

Alexei snorts, pushing Ethan away even though he craves his comforting touch more than he’d like to admit.

“Even if we did, Ethan… no one will hire a colonial ex-inmate.”

“Come on, who cares about that! You are a war hero now! I’m sure the Alliance will help you with a job, even if not as a Fighter…”

“Bering was clear on this, Ethan,” Alexei interrupts him angrily. “All they can offer me is another position as a fighter on a spaceship, but I don’t go back there without you. Don’t need any other navigator but you, and you don’t want to go back, so I’m fucked.”

“…I’m sure we’ll figure something out. Don’t worry,” Ethan says, snuggling up to him, and this time he doesn’t push him away. He puts an arm around his narrow shoulders and kisses his temple before taking another big swig of his beer. Ethan kisses softly into his neck and suddenly he seems like a better anti-stress solution than alcohol. He lifts him up on the kitchen counter and stands between his legs, pushing his hands up on Ethan’s ticklish back under the sweater.

“Why don’t we forget about this and just fuck instead, hm?” he asks, smiling smugly. Ethan smiles back and lets himself be kissed, giggling as Alexei tickles his sensitive skin.

“We can’t solve every problem we face with sex, you know. Eventually we’ll have to talk about things,” Ethan says when Alexei moves to suck on his neck. “I could help you find something, ask around at work…”

Alexei pulls away from him and yanks his own shirt off before grabbing Ethan’s chin and leaning dangerously close to him.

“Ethan, shut the fuck up,” he licks into his lips. “First, we fuck, then we fuck again, then maybe, _maybe_ we can talk, got it?”

 

 

**A B E L**

He stays with Keeler and Encke for some weeks; they are kind enough to look after him and help arrange everything with the funeral. Not that he has a chance to attend it; he has to return Alexei’s body to his family on Mars. He feels sickening anger and overwhelming sadness when he thinks about this, how he can’t attend the funeral of the man he loved, and it leaves him with a feeling of an unsaid goodbye. He considers burying the body on Earth and ignore the claims of Alexei’s family, but Keeler is by his side, urging his messy brain to make the right decisions.

When everything is done and he pretends to feel better, he moves back to their apartment. Well, to _his_ apartment, now... He loves Keeler and Encke, but seeing them being all lovey-dovey and happy together, even if they try to hide it in front of him, makes him feel even worse and he can’t wait to get back home.

But now, back there, he hates it even more than seeing Encke and Keeler being happy together. He sees Alexei everywhere he looks; sees him smoking on the small balcony, standing above burned pancakes in the kitchen, strolling out butt naked from the bathroom and throwing him the cheekiest grin he ever saw whilst doing it. Other times he thinks he can see themselves together as if he was watching movie scenes: how they fucked on the sofa and fell down in the middle of it, how they danced in the living room to sappy love songs, how they stumbled and fell at the entrance cause they refused to stop kissing, how they lazed around in the summer heat in bed, naked, sweating.

But the sad things haunt him too: he hears the sounds of their more and more frequent arguments, sees the little spot on the wall where the painting chipped when Alexei threw something against it during a fight, sees Alexei passed out in his own sick on the living room floor from drinking too much while Ethan was away at work, sees the spider web-like crack in the mirror where Alexei once punched it, bleeding all over the bathroom floor.

But most of all, he sees Alexei shutting the door behind him the last time he saw him.

 

He only starts drinking at home first, needing some relief and something to help him fall asleep; he is too afraid to buy sleeping pills after his drunk suicide attempt. He goes to work and comes home without thinking too much, functioning like a soulless robot every day, letting his emotions take over him only at home, getting drunk and crying himself to sleep every single night.

He goes out to have a drink one night, needing to get away from home and from Alexei’s lingering shadow. He gets too drunk, and in the morning he wakes up in an unknown man’s place with his body sore and bruised, his neck painted with hickeys that are not from Alexei, that shouldn’t be there.

He runs home and throws up. He feels like he cheated on Alexei. He feels sick.

Realizing he feels better from the dull ache in his body makes him even sicker.

 

Eventually he starts to go out more often, getting drunk more often, sleeping with strangers more often, because it feels good to forget for a few hours, feels good to sleep in a bed where he doesn’t feel the lack of Alexei’s presence besides him in every waking moment, feels good to be manhandled and punished, getting what he thinks he deserves.

One dawn, on his way home after a night spent wasted with a colonial twice his size who broke him and used him just like he wanted, he stares at his own reflection in the steamy bus window. He looks like a shadow of his old self, worn-out and messy, and he realizes that Alexei was probably right when he called him a slut.

 

 

**C A I N**

He kisses Newton as he spins him around, rocking his body to the rhythm of the music. Real old school, retro rock music, just how he likes it, the perfect tune for making him forget about this shitty life for a few minutes.

“What do you think, green baby, heh? Wanna have a drink?” he embraces the protesting iguana to his naked torso and offers him the whiskey bottle, laughing like an idiot when the animal refuses to take a sip. “Never mind buddy, more for me!”

He drinks too many big gulps in a row, swallowing hungrily, enjoying the way the alcohol burns his throat. The song gets to the chorus, so he jumps on top of the sofa, holding Newton up like a sexy groupie and screaming the lyrics into his bottle-microphone. He then jumps over to the armchair, dancing and spinning like the drunk idiot he is, drinking the remaining whiskey and not caring that half of it pours down his chest rather than his throat. He screams the lyrics at the top of his lungs and throws the bottle against the wall; it breaks into a thousand pieces and he shouts in glory, climbing on the sofa’s backrest and letting the furniture tumble over with him on top, sliding down from it like a showman. He bows to his imagined audience multiple times, straightening his back and waving around when he finished – only to see Ethan staring at him with his mouth hanging open and brows furrowed.

Ethan shuts the music off and turns to face him; he looks pissed and shocked beyond words.

“What the hell are you doing?” he hisses, looking around the room. Alexei looks around too, only now realizing with his foggy brain that maybe he went overboard with having fun. The room is a mess: furniture turned upside down, glass shards and garbage covering the white carpet, the air smelling like smoke, alcohol and sweat, and him, standing right in the middle of it half-naked and barefoot, holding a distressed iguana in one hand.

“I… I had a party, is that such a big deal?”

“Party my ass!” Ethan mutters, too angry to even shout. He yanks Newton out of his hands. “Give him to me! You make him sick!”

He fumes away with the pet and Alexei stumbles back to the hi-fi, nearly tripping over his own jeans hanging too low on his hips. He finds a beer bottle on top of a speaker and he downs the remaining lukewarm beer in it, restarting the music and turning up the volume.

“Turn that shit off!” Ethan screams when he returns. He tries to get the remote, but he can’t get past Alexei; he catches him by the wrist and pulls him to his body with force, easily fighting back Ethan’s weak attempts to escape his grip.

“What’s wrong, Princess? Don’t like Scorpions?”

“Turn it off, Alex, the neighbours will call the cops on us!”

“Come on, don’t be such a pussy! Party with me Ethan, come on,” he slurs. “Let’s have some fun finally… I was waiting for you all day.”

“I can see that. Let me go,” he hisses, trying to pull his hands free but Alexei twists his arms behind his back and attacks his lips, pushing his tongue into his mouth deeply without any warning. Ethan whines and turns away, freeing his mouth with a soft choking sound that turns on Alexei more that he’d like to admit. “Eww, what the hell, Alex! Let me go. You stink.”

“Sssssh, don’t play hard to get, Ethan. Give me your mouth, come on.”

“Alexei, damn, let me go! You’ll break my arm, it hurts!” he writhes in his arms and Alexei pulls him into his chest even stronger, panting into his face with a horny and cocky expression, enjoying his dominance over him. Finally he feels back in charge, he takes control and he feels powerful again after so many weeks and months of feeling useless and being a nuisance.

“Aww come on Ethan, we both know you like it, you little bitch. You like it when I’m rough, don’t you?”

“Please, Alexei! I mean it, let me go. I’m not in the mood,” he nearly cries and something in the back of Alexei’s mind tells him to stop, but he can’t. He wants Ethan badly, wants him no matter what, and so he picks him up by force and strolls with him to the bedroom, holding him firmly and ignoring his weak kicks and hits on his back. He throws him to the bed rudely and climbs on top of him, holding Ethan’s wrists above his head and gripping him so hard that it even hurts him. Ethan is scared, trying to throw him off and begging, but he is too turned on and he knows Ethan loves him, he likes this little act he puts on, and he bites into his pale shoulders hard, feeling the metallic taste of blood under his teeth.

“I’m gonna fuck you so hard baby, you won’t be able to stand up straight,” he breathes into his face before letting him go for a moment to strip him off his jeans, his drunken hands fumbling clumsily with the zipper, when he suddenly feels a sharp pain on his face as Ethan slaps him hard. The unexpected attack surprises him so much that he lets Ethan throw him off and escape the room.

He goes after him, shouting profanities in both English and Russian as he stumbles out the door.

“What the hell, Ethan? Am I not even good enough to fuck you anymore or what? Your little Earth friends convinced you that my colonial cock is not worthy of your sacred asshole?”

Ethan picks Newton up from his terrarium and only looks at Alexei when he reaches the front door, his eyes reflecting hurt and fear.

“I’m not sleeping here tonight. Get sober.”

“Oh bitchin!” he laughs nastily. “Go and sleep with that motherfucking Keeler and his big ass lapdog! Make your slutty dream come true, Ethan, I’m sure they will love to fuck you from both sides, you little slut! Maybe their mighty officer cocks are more suitable for you, goddammit!”

Ethan doesn’t even wait for him to finish; he is out of the door, only listening from the stairway as Alexei shouts his curses after him. He leaves Alexei alone with his anger, lust and agony, not hearing the way Alexei’s voice crack as he falls to the ground, whispering pathetically, “Please don’t leave… don’t leave me alone…”

 

It’s almost noon when he wakes up next day with a terrible hangover and feeling shitty. He stumbles out of the bedroom, needing a glass of water badly, but he freezes when he spots Ethan in the living room.

Guilt rushes into his every molecule when he sees him, his sweet Ethan, walking around the room with a trash bag in his hands, cleaning up the mess he made. The destruction he caused got even bigger after Ethan left but he doesn’t even remember doing most of it. His heart breaks as he watches Ethan lifting a broken red vase, a silly heart shaped thing Ethan bought for Valentine’s Day for the two of them. He wanted them to collect little notes in it with their most romantic memories and happiest moments written on them so that they could relive them reading them a year later, but it’s been a really long time since any of them had put a note in it. Now the little colourful papers are scattered around the floor under Ethan’s feet, and he feels like the worst fucking person alive when he sees Ethan’s face scrunching up and big, fat tears rolling down his pretty face.

“Babe… babe, I’m sorry.” Ethan flinches upon hearing him, nearly dropping the remains of the silly ceramic heart. “I’m so sorry.”

He feels even worse when he sees Ethan taking a defensive step back as he approaches him. He seems small and breakable suddenly, standing among the mess with the damn garbage bag and broken heart in his hands.

Alexei falls onto his knees in front of him, not caring about the shards piercing into his skin, hugging Ethan’s torso and nestling his face onto his belly. Ethan flinches and freezes, but doesn’t push him away.

“I’m sorry, baby… Please forgive me,” he feels like crying too, holding onto Ethan for dear life. “It won’t happen again, I’m sorry.”

He hears the soft sound of the ceramic on the shelf and the rustling of the plastic bag falling onto the floor besides him. Ethan caresses his hair and face, his hands trembling softly. He kneels down too and pulls Alexei’s face up to meet his eyes.

“Never ever do that again. Understand?”

“I won’t, I’m sorry. I promise,” he caresses Ethan’s face and he wants to kiss him, but he doesn’t dare, not after last night. “Forgive me princess, please.”

“You scared me so much,” Ethan cries, his voice small.

“I know, fuck, I know. It wasn’t me, babe, I’d never hurt you.”

Ethan puts his arms around his necks, burying his tear-soaked face into his shoulders and crying softly. Alexei sits back on the floor and pulls Ethan into his lap, and he seems even smaller and even more breakable now, and he hates himself for making Ethan this miserable. They hold onto each other like this for a long time, crumpled together on the floor in the middle of disaster.

 

**A B E L**

He wants to get drunk and get laid quickly tonight; he had to stay overtime at work, and if socialization and responsibilities didn’t tire him enough, Keeler’s worrying glances and concerned questions sure did. Poor thing tried his best to invite him over for dinner, saying that Encke would be happy to see him too, that he needs to see the puppy they bought and that he needs to go out more often, but he refuses the offer. He doesn’t tell anyone that he goes out almost every night in the past months, especially not Keeler, who lives the perfect life with his perfect job and perfect boyfriend.  He is ashamed of this new version of himself, but he can’t stop. Sleeping around is even more addicting than drinking, the rush of adrenaline making him feel alive when he goes home with unknown men, making them treat him badly so that he could feel the guilt ease inside him a little, making them punish and hurt him in just the right ways.

He goes home to change quickly; he shreds down his military uniform and opts for tight jeans and Alexei’s old sleeveless turtleneck top he loved so much. He is sick of himself for wearing it when going out to cheat on the love he still felt for Alexei, but he still puts it on often. It’s a bit loose for him, his pale, bony shoulders making him look more feminine than masculine in it.

He chooses a gay bar he frequents more and more lately; it’s a seedy place popular among people looking for a quick hook up. It’s in the colonial district of the city, which makes things even easier for him; he knows he will stand out with his Earth-blond hair, a rare gem in the crowd. He can find a man to spend some rough hours smoothly.

He orders a double drink at the bar, looking around in the semidarkness to find a target. He spots some men he likes, all strong and tall. He gives them a slutty look as he looks them up and down one after the other, hoping that this will be enough for one of them to approach him without more effort.

When none of them seems to make a move, he chooses the most brutal looking one, turning his body towards him and staring at him with the sultriest bedroom eyes he can master, biting his lip and caressing his neck seductively. The black-haired man grins at him, looking like a hungry wolf, and he finally moves towards Ethan, stopping in front of him and standing just a little bit too close.

“What’s a pretty boy like you doing in a place like this?” he asks, eyes glued to Ethan’s lips.

“Searching,” Ethan replies quietly.

“Yeah? For what?” the man asks again. His voice is raspy and he seems drunk. _Easy target._

“For a good time… for you, maybe.”

The man laughs and licks his lips hungrily. He’s clearly turned on by simply looking at Ethan; he reaches out to roughly caress his face, staring at the fresh scar on his lips for a second before grabbing his wrist forcefully.

“Yeah, pretty boy, sure for me. Come on,” he yanks Ethan towards the toilets, not even waiting for a reply. “I show you a good time right now.”

“Wait, let’s go to your place,” Ethan shouts, but his voice either gets lost is the crowd, or the stranger doesn’t care about him.

He’s pushed hard against the bathroom wall and the stranger’s tongue is down his throat already. The smell of piss makes him sick and he wants to leave, but the man doesn’t give him a chance to negotiate.

For the first time since his night-time adventures started, things don’t go as he planned.

He tries to shake the man off him, but he turns him around with a quick move and shoves his face hard onto the tiled wall. He feels a sharp pain in his head; he wants to lift it up, but the man holds him firmly with his hand on his temple. He feels his other hand pushing down his jeans just enough to reveal his ass, then he can hear the man’s fly unzipping and his panting close to his ears.

“I show you a good time, Earth boy, a very good time indeed.”

His tormented heart tells him that it’s okay, that he deserves this, that this will make him forget about Alexei, and so he wants this; he wants to feel the man’s strong hands on him, manhandling him and fuck him hard, but not here, not for everyone else to see him being fucked out in the open, humiliated like an object. He whimpers loudly as he tries to shake the man off him, begging him to do this somewhere else, to go at least inside one of the toilet stalls, but the colonial is more drunk and desperate than he first thought, not listening to his muffled pleads.

Just when he thinks there is no escape anymore, someone enters the bathroom. The entering person stop when he spots them, and soon a deep, strong voice cuts through the air.

“Hey, get off him!”

“Fuck off, buddy,” the man on top of him grunts, trying to push up against Ethan to enter him. “Fuck off, he wants this.”

“I said let him go.”

“And I said fuck off!” the man screams. “You can have your turn after I finished!”

Ethan’s blood freezes in his veins; he heard horror stories up in space, of navigators raped by multiple fighters, trapped by them in elevators or abandoned corridors, but he never thought it could ever happen to him, especially not now, not on Earth, not when he’s not even a navigator anymore.

But the man behind him is suddenly gone; he can hear the second stranger punching him in the face and throwing him out of the bathroom.

Ethan pulls his pants up clumsily, his trembling hands not cooperating. He knows he should run, but also knows whoever entered is stronger than him, so running out is probably not a possibility.

“Hey,” the man approaches him. “Are you all right?”

Is he… _kind to him?_

Ethan turns, puzzled, preparing for the worst. But the man standing behind him is definitely not a stranger, and definitely not someone who will harm him.

“Praxis??”

“Abel?”

 

 

**C A I N**

The steamy air of the bathroom makes him dizzy as they lie together in the tub, relaxing in the hot water with Ethan sitting between his legs, his back pressed to his chest. His head is nestled in the crook of Alexei’s neck, who strokes through his damp, blond hair gently again and again, enjoying the way the silky locks slide through his fingers. He takes a sip of whiskey from the tumbler in his other hand, loving the way it burns his throat. He offers the glass to Ethan, but his eyes are closed, his body limp against him.

“Hey, you fell asleep, Princess?”

“No…” comes the sleepy reply. “It just feels so good here.”

“You want a drink?”

“No…” Ethan lifts his head and places a sloppy kiss on his jaw. “You shouldn’t drink either.”

“Hah, and why the fuck not?”

He takes another sip, just to prove his defiance. Ethan sits up and turns towards him, the water splashing around him as moves. He looks so beautiful now, with his hair seeming golden in the soft, dim light and with his skin sparkling with hundreds of waterdrops.

“You know why… you drink too much lately. I’m worried.”

Alexei reaches out to caress his face, his heart hurting a bit seeing how Ethan leans into his touch, still craving his affection even after all his bullshit. “No need to be worried sweetheart. I’m fine,” he whispers and puts the glass on the small bathroom shelf, sitting up to encircle Ethan in his arms.

“You worry too much. Don’t,” he puts his forehead against his, their noses touching. He feels Ethan’s fingers on his face, holding him reassuringly, caressing him only a little.

“Of course I’m worried. You’re not fine, and you don’t let me help.”

“I’m fine, okay? You just think too much again,” he kisses him softly on the lips, just the way Ethan likes it, because he knows that Ethan needs him to be gentle and sappy sometimes. Maybe he likes it too, even if he doesn’t even admit it to himself.

“Alex…” Ethan doesn’t pull away, only breaks the kiss enough so that he can talk. “I just want you to be happy. Why don’t you tell me what bothers you? Why don’t you let me help?”

“It’s not your problem, sweetheart. I solve my shit alone.”

“You don’t have to,” he pecks at his lips sweetly. “We solve things together.”

“Ssssh…” Alexei silences him with a kiss, “Forget this now, baby. Only think of this.”

He pushes more aggressively into the kiss, fucking Ethan’s mouth with his tongue so that he will forget this emotional bullshit. He doesn’t want to talk about feelings, doesn’t want Ethan to fuss over him more than he already does, doesn’t want him to treat him like a wounded animal or a lost child, doesn’t want his pity or pampering. He wants Ethan to look at him again the way he did in space, where he was a fierce fighter who swept him off his feet and who was strong and invincible and sexy. He wants to be the one to protect Ethan and not the other way around.

He wants Ethan to look at him starry eyed again, full of lust and need, and so he does the only thing that will both silence Ethan’s annoying worries and make him remember why he fell for Alexei in the first place.

“Come here,” he says, his whisper commanding, and he pulls Ethan fully into his lap, grinding their hips together. The steamy water and the whiskey makes him hot, and he just wants to fuck Ethan and forget about everything else. Ethan exhales sweetly, his body already shaking with the soft tremors of anticipation as he lets Alexei suck his marks into his neck.

“I love you,” he breathes, and somehow it turns on Alexei more than his naked body against him or his hands clutching his hair. “ _I love you so much._ ”

 

Ethan snuggles up to him after they finished as they stand on the wet bathroom floor, wrapping him into his towel. His body is still warm and damp.

“Hey,” he looks at him with an insecure smile, clasping Alexei’s face in his hands to make him look at him. “Why you never say it back?”

“Say what?”

“That you love me. You don’t… you don’t feel that way?”

Alexei snorts and tries to look away, but Ethan grabs him with both hands and stares at him, his eyes piercing through him like soft needles. “Don’t you love me?”

“These are just words, Ethan. Don’t be such a pussy.”

“Then why don’t you say it?”

“Fuck Ethan, are you a girl or what? Why fussing over this?

“Call me a girl or a pussy, I don’t care. It’s important to me…to know that you feel the same way.”

“You know I do.”

“Then why don’t you say it?”

“Because,” Alexei snaps, almost shouting, “because saying it will make it real.”

Ethan freezes in his arms.

“Isn’t it real already?”

Alexei is silent, avoiding Ethan’s scared eyes. His stomach turns into a knot, and he pushes Ethan away, grabbing him by the hips.

“Saying it will tie me to you, Ethan. I don’t want that,” he can see that Ethan starts to panic, and he decides not to wait for a better moment to say what he wants to say, because there will be no good moments for this. He will break his heart again, because he is cruel and selfish, and he clearly doesn’t deserve him.

“I’m going back to Mars, Ethan. I’m sorry.”

 

 

**A B E L**

He can’t decide if it’s only the alcohol working in him or not, but Praxis looks so much sexier than he remembered. He wishes he could reach out and hold his hand while he walks behind him towards the bar, wishes he could press close to his side, feeling protected and sheltered next to his sturdy frame, but he just follows him silently.

They stop at the bar and Praxis waves at the bartender. The young man approaches them almost immediately and beams at Praxis after glancing at Ethan appreciatingly.

“Wow, nice catch, Ivan,” he nods towards Ethan. “Lucky boy. What are you having?”

Ethan swears that he can see Praxis blushing as he smiles at him apologetically.

“What can I get you?”

“Double gin. Thanks.”

He asks for a whiskey, and Ethan is somewhat relieved that he doesn’t drink the same type Alexei liked. The bartender winks at them when handing them their drinks. Ethan sits on one of the high bar chairs and takes a sip too big; he doesn’t know if he needs a drink this badly because of his humiliating experience in the men’s room or because he met Praxis so unexpectedly.

“Thank you again, for helping me out. That man was crazy,” he starts shyly, looking up at Praxis’s handsome face.

“I’m happy I was there. You should be more careful in this place… what are you doing here anyway? I mean,” he quickly adds, clearly flustered by the possibility of Ethan finding him intrusive or lecturing, “this place is not the best for… well, for such beautiful earthlings like you are. This isn’t the most reputable bar.”

“Yeah, I figured… which makes me wonder, what brought you here… _Ivan_?”

He puts pressure on the name, smiling somewhat smugly. Praxis shakes his head a little and returns the smile. He turns fully towards Ethan, offering his right hand.

“No need to call each other by our code names anymore, I guess… I’m Ivan.”

“Hello Ivan, nice to meet you. I’m Ethan.”

They shake hands, but it feels more like holding hands; the touch of their hands too gentle, too tempting, too lingering.

“You didn’t tell me why you’re here,” Ethan says, sipping on his drink.

“You didn’t tell me either.”

 Ethan throws a seductive glance at him, then hops down from the chair and steps close to him, wrapping his arms around his neck slowly, tentatively.

“Well, Ivan,” he whispers, leaning dangerously close, their lips almost touching, “I think we are both here for the same reason, and we both know what it is.”

Ivan doesn’t reply; he seems as if he can’t. He stares at Ethan with wide eyes, placing a trembling hand on his hip cautiously. Ethan doesn’t kiss him, only brushes his lips against his as he leans even closer to whisper into his ears, “Why don’t we go to your place instead, hm?”

 

Two more double shots later he is pinned to the wall of the hall in Ivan’s small apartment. They stumble into the bedroom in the darkness, where Ethan pushes Ivan down onto the bed and yanks off his own shirt – he feels as if Alexei’s old top is burning his skin, burning the marks of his infidelity and guilt into every millimetre where it touches his body. He feels as if going home with Ivan, with _Praxis_ , Alexei’s old enemy, is the biggest treason and the biggest sin that he ever committed-

But still, for the first time, somehow he doesn’t want to be punished by bruising sex, doesn’t want to feel like an object and doesn’t want the man in front of him to wash his guilt away with pain.

He wants to be desired. He wants to be loved by Ivan.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, a little voice tells him that Ivan is a good man, a righteous man. He knows that he was probably hot for him on the Sleipnir; if he still finds him worthy of his attention, maybe he isn’t that bad and destructive, isn’t something he should despise.

Maybe if Ivan still finds him worthy for his love, even for one night only, he is not the monster he feels to be.

He grabs Ivan’s face and kisses him deeply, moaning and sinking to his knees in front of him. He undoes the zipper on Ivan’s pants, eager to show him that he is worthy for this night, but he feels a strong hand reaching under his chin, making him look up at the man sitting in front of him. Ivan’s gaze is full of lust and want, yet his face is somewhat worried, thoughtful.

“Abel… Ethan,” he whispers, caressing his face with his thumb. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

 

_“Are you sure this is what you want?”_

Alexei’s face, his discharge documents in his hands, coldness around them, raindrops, Alexei’s kissing him, yes, that is what he wants, a fellow ex-Sleipnir member exits besides them, they smile at him embarrassedly, Alex is kissing him again, some documents are falling to the ground, no, he is falling to the ground, he is half naked, everything’s dark around him, this is not Alexei, _this man is not Alexei._

_Am I sure this is what I want?_

 

 

**C A I N**

“You can still change your mind,” Ethan whispers, his voice small and tired.

He stands in the door and watches Alexei zip his bag. He is trembling, even though he has several layers of clothes and a blanket on. His eyes are red and puffy from crying all night, and Alexei hates to see him like this, hates himself even more for making Ethan cry again.

Only one more reason to leave.

“I can’t live without you,” Ethan’s voice cracks, and he is crying again. “Please Alex… stay. For a little longer at least… we only just arrived back, only just started…”

“No, princess,” he walks up to him, cradling his face in his hands, wiping his tears off with his thumbs, “it’s been a year already. It was more than enough.”

“But we love each other, don’t we? We survived Project Thebes, we survive this too.”

“No, baby, no, listen to me,” he whispers, looking deep into Ethan’s eyes, trying to reach his reasonable mind through all the tears and sadness. “We should’ve never started this. I’m no good for you, princess, believe me, all right? You deserve someone better.”

“Why are you saying this? I love you. I need you,” he tries to kiss him, but Alexei holds his face firmly, forcing him to hold his gaze and not letting him closer.

“You know it’s true. We are ruining each other.”

“No! You are just stressed because of this new situation, Alex, like you were stressed on the Sleipnir, but you will get over this, you will get used to Earth, I promise, please, you can’t go, you can’t…”

“Ethan!” he shakes him a little because he is starting to panic, and the last thing Alexei needs is Ethan breaking down. “Come on, think! You know that we have no future together, baby. I’m an outcast here, a colony criminal, an alcoholic, someone who is only good at breaking things and ruining everything.”

Ethan sobs painfully, clutching at Alexei’s wrist so hard it hurts, but it hurts even more to make Ethan suffer like this, again.

“One day, you will wake up next to someone who loves you, someone who will make you the happiest person alive, someone you deserve, and then, you’ll look back at this moment and you’ll be grateful for me to leave.”

“No. No…”

His heart is breaking from seeing Ethan’s entire world shattering in front of him, but he knows this is the best he can do. Ethan is strong, and if he leaves he will rebuild himself into an even stronger person; but if he stays, he will only be ruined by him, because Alexei was never good at keeping things together, never good at keeping people happy and satisfied.

He can’t stop himself from kissing him one last time. His lips are soft from crying, and so, _so_ sweet, and he already knows he will never love anyone as much as he loves Ethan.

“Be happy, Princess. Forget me.”

 

He is running down the stairs, only letting his tears flow and crying when the cab starts for the space station. He can still taste that bittersweet last kiss on his lips, still feel Ethan’s hands on him as he tried to stop him, still hears his voice begging him to stay, and he dies a little more with every passing kilometre.

 

 

**A B E L**

“Good morning,” Ivan greets him when he enters the kitchen. The sun shines just a little too bright, making his headache even worse, but the smell of coffee is deliciously irresistible.

“I hope you don’t mind me not waking you up. You seemed like you could use some sleep, and it’s Saturday after all. Coffee?”

“Coffee sounds great, thanks,” he sits awkwardly in one of the white chairs, accepting the steaming mug of coffee from Ivan’s hand. He seems tired, but still looks handsome; he looks so much different in civilian, somehow more approachable, trustworthy and sexy, even with the ever-present eyepatch.

“Are you feeling better?”

“Apart from the headache, yeah, I guess…” he risks a glance at Ivan, who looks at him appraisingly. “Look, um… sorry if I was weird last night.”

“No, it’s all right. I should be the one to apologize; you were clearly not sober enough and I still took you home. I should’ve known you’re still mourning, I mean…  I heard about Cain. I’m sorry.”

“Thanks.”

They sit in awkward silence for a long moment, before Ivan speaks up again.

“Would you like something for breakfast? I can make some eggs or something, if you’d like.

“No, thanks, I’m fine with coffee,” Ethan smiles at him embarrassedly. “I don’t want to bother you for too long anyway. I’ll get lost in a minute, I promise.”

“Please, take your time! In fact, you can stay all day, if you’d like. I’d be happy to have you here.”

Ethan sighs and watches Ivan through the steam of his coffee.

“You don’t have to be kind to me, Ivan, really. I’m sure you had the worst night of your life yesterday.”

“Actually, it was one of my bests,” he says as he rounds the table to stand next to him. He puts a hand on his nape and massages it softly. “We don’t need to have sex to have a good time. Kissing you, holding you in my arms… it was like a dream. I’m happy.”

Ethan rises from his seat and stands on his tiptoes to kiss Ivan on the lips. It’s the first time he kissed anyone in the morning after a one-night stand, though he is not even sure if cuddling and kissing in bed after he had a breakdown counts as a one-night stand at all. Either way, he decides to give himself some more minutes with him, kissing Ivan and wrapping his arms around his neck, because something in him makes him feel weirdly good about himself, as if his mere presence was a bittersweet medicine to his pain.

“That was so kind and beautiful. Thank you.”

They kiss tenderly, holding each other gently, before Ethan pulls away.

“But it’s time for me to go,” he says as he starts to leave. “Thank you for the coffee and everything.”

Ivan follows him to the narrow hall but doesn’t stop him.

“You didn’t even give me your number.”

“Yeah, well… there’s no need.”

“Ethan,” he steps behind him, touching his elbow gently to catch his attention as Ethan turns to reach for his coat that magically teleported to the hanger from the floor where he left it last night. “I’d like to see you again. I really do.”

“No,” Ethan laughs a little, turning to look Ivan in the eyes with a doubtful glare, “believe me, Ivan, you don’t.”

“Why not, exactly?”

“Because I’m not the person you think I am. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, I see… and what kind of person do I think you are? Enlighten me.”

Ethan huffs, his shoulders dropping. He feels uncomfortable and just wants to leave without explanations and awkward goodbyes. Maybe going away with Ivan was a bad decision after all.

“Do you remember when you told me Cain called me a slut? Well…. if he really did, he was right. I’m not the virtuous naïve Earthie you think I am, Ivan. I’m sorry.”

Ivan takes a step closer, towering above Ethan with a determined look and putting his hand against the door besides Ethan’s head to keep him from escaping.

“How stupid do you think I am, Ethan?” the blond gives him a puzzled look, but he continues. “Do you really think I don’t know why you went to that disgusting place yesterday? Think I didn’t notice all those choke marks, bruises and burns on you? You think I don’t recognize that the scar on your lip is freshly cut open? Think I didn’t see all those condoms falling out of your pocket last night?”

Ethan stares at him dumbstruck, his eyes wide open, and he can’t believe Ivan actually put the picture together so easily. Is he really this transparent?

Is he really this transparent and yet, Ivan still wants to meet him again?

 

 

**C A I N**

It’s late night when he arrives at the building where Ethan’s apartment is. He is soaked to the bone and he is freezing, even with the alcohol still working in his system. He rubs at his teary eyes one last time, smearing the last stubborn teardrops on his wet face before ringing the doorbell, waiting for Ethan’s voice to speak through the intercom. He likes hearing his voice like this; it reminds him of their time in the Reliant, when he was still in charge and everything was fine.

“Hello?” comes the sleepy voice after the third attempt of ringing, and Alexei’s heart jumps out of his chest.

“It’s me, Princess. Let me in?”

Silence.

“Ethan?”

“…Alexei?”

“Will you let me in? It’s raining as fuck.”

The intercom goes silent and the gate buzzes open. Alexei starts for the elevator but hears a door bursting open somewhere upstairs, followed by hurried footsteps running down the stairs, and he is rushing up the stairs before he even realizes it. He meets Ethan in the middle, catching him mid-air as he jumps at him from the stairs, holding him tightly. He only wears socks and boxers with one of Alexei’s old military sweaters that’s too loose for him. Alexei keeps him lifted for a while before slowly sinking him back to the ground, their grip loosening on each other. He pushes Ethan away a little because he wants to see his face and wants to kiss him badly, wants to forget that last kiss and replace it with hundred new ones, but instead he feels a sharp pain, Ethan slapping him hard on the cheek.

“Never do that to me again, ever! You understand me?” he hits him in the arm hard, then hits him in the chest, almost hysterical. “Never! Never! Never!”

Alexei catches his hands before they land on his chest again and pulls him close, pushing his lips against his. “I’m sorry, babe. I’m sorry.”

“I hate you.” Ethan sobs between kisses but still clings to him, desperate as ever, loving as ever, because no matter how many times Alexei fucks up, he will always welcome him back, and Alexei feels stupid for ever thinking about leaving.

 

An hour later he lies on his belly between Ethan’s legs, his head resting on his heaving chest. He feels out of this world, drunk from whiskey and sex, his mind hazy and happy. Ethan’s fingers feel heavenly as they get tangled in his hair, his scent around him narcotizing.

“Alex…. why are you here?” he whispers suddenly, his voice seeming otherworldly.

“I couldn’t make myself get on that ship… Seems like I’m the one who couldn’t live without you,” he waits for a reply, but it never comes. “Is it too late to change my mind?”

Ethan doesn’t answer, just pulls him up to look him in the face. “You can never leave me again, understand? Ever.”

“Anything you want, Princess,” he stares into his dark eyes, his pulse racing suddenly as he murmurs, _“I love you.”_

 

But things don’t get better as he promised himself they would on his way back from the space station.

Things only get worse.

He feels more miserable, lonely and helpless than ever.

One night, a week after his return, he finds himself sitting on the balcony railing on a starry night, gazing at the sky in a drunken stupor. He thinks he behaved good; he left Newton alone, put the dishes into the sink like a fucking housewife and didn’t throw the empty whiskey bottle at the passengers walking under the balcony.

Yet when Ethan walks out to him, he doesn’t seem happy with him at all.

“Alex, what the hell are you doing outside?” he asks. “It’s freezing out here, you’ll catch a cold.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he takes a big swig from the whiskey, not even looking at Ethan.

“How did it go today? Did you get to see Bering?”

“Hah…” he wants to laugh, but he feels too bitter and drunk for that. “Guess who I met at the HQ, Ethan? Come on, ask me who I met.”

“Who did you meet at the HQ?”

“Fucking Praxis!!” he shouts, aggressively throwing the bottle cap out from the balcony. “Ask me what the fuck is Praxis doing at the Alliance HQ?”

“…what is Praxis doing at the HQ?”

“Well Ethan, fucking Praxis is training new motherfucking fighters, that’s what he does!”

He throws the whole bottle to the tiled floor of the balcony, making Ethan jump and get out of the way of the flying shards.

“They don’t even want to give me a fucking chance to prove my worth, but apparently even that piece of one-eyed shit is a better fucking fighter instructor than freaking me with my criminal record! Cause apparently all I’m good for is fucking little blondies and make them bend for their bitch ass Colteron crap, but when I’m done my job they just throw me away like a piece of trash, even if I was the best motherfucking fighter in the entire goddamn fleet!”

He is raging, his Russian accent showing heavily, his shouts heard in the whole neighbourhood and he knows he should stop, but he doesn’t want and doesn’t care.

“And you know what, Ethan, now that I think about it, I’m not even sure I can fuck well enough to even become a fucking prostitute, cause I can’t tell if you say I’m good because I’m actually good or because you are a freaking virgin who never fucked anyone else.”

“That was uncalled for.”

“Like hell it was, it was true and you know it! I bet some Earth bitch could fuck you better and so I’d be left with fucking nothing, Ethan, nothing! But there is always one solution.”

He stands at the edge of the wide stone railing and spreads his arms as if he was flying.

“I can end this right now!” he shouts, looking down at the glowing and busy city under him. He can hear Ethan’s quick steps behind him, tapping his leg cautiously, terrified.

“Alex, babe, you are just drunk, please come down. Please, it’s dangerous.”

“You will have to come get me.”

“Alex, please, just come down!”

“Come the fuck up or I jump, I swear Ethan, I jump!”

Ethan climbs up next to him and shivers in the freezing wind, so he yanks him against his chest, their feet barely fitting to the railing. He circles his arms around Ethan’s chest and he grips his wrists.

“Let’s fly together, Ethan! Just you and I, one last time, like we did with the Reliant.”

“No, Alex, we will go back inside. We are not in space anymore. I want to go back, please. I’m scared.”

“And what if I fuck you right here, Ethan, would you like that, hm? Little weird princess,” he chuckles and kisses into Ethan’s neck. “Would you want me to fuck you up here for everyone to see?”

“Now that would be quite a show… But still no, Alex. Let’s go back inside. Please, baby.”

“Why so serious now, Ethan? You’re my sugar daddy after all, don’t you want me to work for my money?”

Ethan turns in his arms, slowly, placing his feet carefully on the railing. He wraps his arms around Alexei’s neck and looks him in the eyes. He seems sad and scared, and suddenly Alexei feels ashamed of himself.

“Let’s go back inside babe. Please.”

 

**  
A B E L**

He meets Ivan again on a Sunday afternoon. He doesn’t want to give him his address, so he asks him to pick him up in front of the bar they met for the last time.

The car that pulls up to him is not the one he expects; it’s a relatively new and expensive model, not something ex-fighters usually own. Ivan waves at him through the window, and he hops into the passenger seat, welcoming the comfortable warmth after standing in the cold December air.

“Hello beautiful,” Ivan greets him with a kind smile, but Ethan can only muster a quick, small pull of his lips in return. He scratched his lip scar open again in a bad moment the previous night, and now each smile hurts, like a silent punishment of Alexei from the grave for going out with another man, especially with Ivan.

“Hey,” he replies, forcing himself to look into Ivan’s eyes instead of jumping out of the car.

“You okay?” he asks quietly. His voice is firm but gentle, caring but lacking the annoying babying that Keeler carries in his voice when he asks the same. Ethan nods.

“You sure?” Ivan throws a pointed glance at the clotted blood on his scar.

“Yeah, I just… bit myself.”

Ivan shakes his head resignedly; he knows he is lying, but he doesn’t make a scene out of it, and Ethan is grateful for that.

“Come here,” he whispers, reaching out an inviting arm in his direction, and Ethan moves without thinking. Ivan caresses his face softly, pulling his face close to his. He kisses him innocently, merely a long peck on the lips. “I’m happy you’re here.”

He pushes their lips together for another brief moment, and Ethan wonders if he only imagined Ivan being carefully aware of the wound on his upper lip.

 

They sit in the car for a long time, going to a secret, surprise location that Ivan refuses to reveal; the suspense makes Ethan both anxious and excited.

“I’m happy you decided to come. I was afraid you might cancel today,” Ivan says as they leave the city behind, but he doesn’t make another attempt to start a conversation and Ethan is grateful again. He doesn’t feel good today; he spent a night fighting his own conscience over coming to this date, ending up crying all night into one of Alexei’s hoodies and reopening the scar he gave him. Ivan’s fear wasn’t baseless, as he really considered cancelling their plans, but he ended up coming, apologizing to Alexei a hundred times in his soul. He felt like going mad in their small apartment, still surrounded by Alexei everywhere after all these months.

They stop in a small city, parking the car near a lovely, classic building. Ivan puts an arm around his shoulder as he leads him inside it, and Ethan forgets his problems for a short time. The place is the prettiest confectionery he ever saw, classy and elegant, yet still inviting. The shiny glass counters are filled with endless rows of the most beautiful pastries and ice creams, and Ethan feels like a small child looking at them in wonder.

“Wow,” he looks at Ivan with an enthusiasm he thought he forgot a long time ago.  “This is amazing!”

“I knew you would like it,” he smiles, putting a hand on the small of Ethan’s back. “Let’s sit down and order something, come on!”

They get a table near a window where they can see the snowfall outside, and Ethan starts to examine the colourful pages of the cake menu.

 “You are adorable,” Ivan says with a soft chuckle, leaning back in his chair. “I’m so happy I could make you smile.”

Ethan puts the menu down, suddenly embarrassed, feeling guilty for enjoying himself.

“I’m sorry,” he says, “I just really like baked sweets.”

“I know,” Ivan replies, leaning closer with a mischievous little grin. “I might or might not have asked Ethos if he knew what you like. He said you like cakes, and so I looked up this place; they say it’s one of the best ones in the county.”

“Oh gosh, this is so embarrassing… you really asked him?”

“Yeah, why not? He was happy to hear we met.”

Ethan wants to reply, but they are interrupted by the waitress asking for their orders. Ethan has a tough time choosing, but he eventually manages to pick only one from the pretty goods listed.

The waitress leaves, and they are left alone.

Alone, in awkward silence.

They have some small talk, chatting about the snow and about the design of the shop, both feeling uncomfortable suddenly.

“I’m sorry,” Ethan says finally, getting tired of pretending they are having a carefree conversation. “This is really awkward somehow, I just… I just don’t really know how to behave. I’ve never really been to a date likes this before.”

“A date like what?” Ivan asks him, his patience with him surprising Ethan again.

“A normal date. I took one or two girls out as a teenager when I was still in the closet, but then I enlisted in the Alliance, and then…” he takes a trembling breath, feeling the bitter sorrow spreading through his body. “Alexei… I mean, Cain and I never had a real date. We never… I mean things happened so fast between us and we never really… we didn’t have a chance to…”

He can’t finish, crying taking over him suddenly. He feels stupid and embarrassed, but he can’t hold back. The scar on his lip stretches painfully, probably bleeding again, and he can feel the people around them staring at him as he smears the blood and the tears with his hand, making him look like a sobbing mess, but he can’t stop.

He feels Ivan’s strong hands on his shoulders, pulling him up.

“Come on, sweetness, let’s walk. Come on.”

They go out to stand a bit further away from the confectionary, Ivan holding him tight to his chest until his tears dry and their coffee goes cold inside.

 

Ethan feels ashamed for ruining the mood like this, so he decides to make up for it. He lets Ivan take him to a Christmas market where he pretends to enjoy the sight of the colourful lights and crafted goods, only to catch himself genuinely enjoying himself in some stolen moments. He drinks too much mulled wine and eats way too much festival food after weeks of consuming the minimum, accepting the silly gifts Ivan buys for him and buying him stupid things in return when he doesn’t look. He even laughs sometimes, which feels weird after all these months spent crying, and which makes him feel guilty each time he catches himself giggling. He lets Ivan kiss him and embrace him, holding hands with him so they don’t lose each other in the crowd. He feels a piercing stab in his heart when he remembers how much he craved doing the same silly things with Alexei, and how nothing was ever this easy and carefree with him.

Some hours later they find themselves sitting on a snowy bench, looking at the skaters sliding gracefully or clumsily on the ice.

With the hot wine in his hands, the sparkling lights around them and laughter filling the air, Ethan suddenly remembers how much he used to love Christmas.

“Do you want to go in?” Ivan asks him, pointing his chin towards the rink.

“Later, maybe. Don’t you mind staying here for a little longer?”

“No, it’s fine. Anything you want.”

They stay silent for a while, enjoying the closeness and warmth between their bodies pressed together on the cold bench, when Ethan suddenly starts to speak, silently, pensively.

“You know… Last Christmas, I took Alexei to a rink like this. We had such a wonderful time,” he laughs sadly. “He was so skilled, he spun me around while holding me, and he pulled me after him as he skated backwards, cause I was clumsy and slow. He held my hand so that he could catch me when I fell. It was amazing.”

Ivan listens to him quietly, as if he can feel how much Ethan wants to pour his heart out without really realizing it himself.

“But then… someone accidentally pushed me to the ground, and he got so angry, so aggressive. He almost beat him up and we had to leave…”

“That sounds just like him,” Ivan mutters, unable to hold himself back from making this comment.

“No,” Ethan states fiercely. “No, he wasn’t like that, not really. He just made everyone else believe he was wild and mean, but… he was just lost.”

His eyes are glued to the skaters, but he doesn’t really see them; his inner eyes project Alexei into his mind with a vivid accuracy. He feels like he understands him better now that he is gone, and it breaks him, but he doesn’t cry this time. His bottled-up thoughts flow out of him effortlessly, quietly.

“After discharge, I thought we can start a new life, you know… A new life, together. Far away from the Alliance, from Project Thebes, from… oh, I guess you heard about Project Thebes?”

“I did. Only after discharge, though.”

“Yeah… I suppose everyone heard it already. My big sob story… how ridiculous,” he takes a big gulp from the wine before continuing. “Things went well for a while, you see… we were madly in love. We had sex every day. We didn’t even go out cause we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We were addicted to our love.”

He takes a small break, his throat tight suddenly as his mind is filled with images of their happy times with Alexei. He swallows and takes another sip of the wine, wanting to let Ivan know everything for some unknown reason.

“But then, I accepted the Alliance’s job offer; they asked me to help with perfecting the Colteron jump drive, since I was the only navigator getting close to activating it properly. They needed me, but they didn’t need Alexei. They only cared about the navigator, not the fighter. I wish I didn’t accept it… Things went wrong after that. Alexei couldn’t get a job, couldn’t find friends, couldn’t fit in to Earth… He isolated himself, even from me. He was always so tense, so hurt, so lonely… I tried to help him, but he never let me. Whenever I wanted to talk about the problems he had, or the problems we had, we ended up fucking instead of talking, and I’ve let it happen cause I pretended that everything would be okay if he says so.”

He looks at Ivan, his eyes filled with tears. He doesn’t move or speak, only waits for Ethan to continue silently, so he does.

“He pretended that the entire world was his enemy, even me sometimes, I guess. Looking back now… I think it hurt his pride, that I provided for both of us. He kept calling me his sugar daddy, and he never realized how much he hurt me with it. He said I only kept him around to have somebody to fuck me and look after my pet. I think he could never truly believe that I forgave him for Project Thebes, could never believe that I loved him and needed him, cause he thought he didn’t deserve me. It hurt so much.”

He wipes a single tear that escaped through the fence of his promise to hold himself together.

“He started drinking. He only went out to sneakily buy more booze and cigarettes, but we never went anywhere together. He even wanted to go back to Mars; he asked me so many times to let him leave or to go back to space with him, but I was so selfish, and I made myself believe that I can solve everything and that I can change him…. but I couldn’t. Do you know what I said to him for the last time? I said,” his voice cracks, and he almost breaks down, but he wants to tell this, he wants to let it all out, “… I said, if you hate me so much, go back to the fucking colonies, I don’t care. He said he might just do that, that he shouldn’t have changed his mind earlier, and that we were never meant to be together… and then he left, and got hit by that stupid car because he got too drunk to notice it, and it wasn’t the death he deserved. It wasn’t what he deserved.”

Ivan puts an arm around him and caresses his shoulder reassuringly.

“I killed him, Ivan… I was selfish and didn’t let him go, and now he is dead. I killed him, I killed the man I loved. I’m a monster. And now I’m sitting here with you, with the enemy of my love, on a date, like a whore. I’m the worst, Ivan. The worst.”

“Don’t say that,” Ivan says firmly, shaking him a little. “You are far from a monster, baby… You’re the best person I’ve never known.”

He takes the wine from Ethan and hands him a tissue. He waits for him to blow his nose and take some calming, deep breaths, before saying, “I know this is not what you want to hear, but I will be honest with you Ethan.”

He waits for Ethan to look at him, and he only continues then, taking his freezing hands into his bigger ones.

“What happened to Cain… to Alexei, it wasn’t your fault. He was the one to choose to live miserably instead of going out to the world and find solutions to his problems. He chose the easy way out and made you feel responsible for him, when in reality it wasn’t up to you to make the right decisions for him. You loved him, and it should’ve been enough for him to fight for a future where both of you can be happy.”

“No, Ivan. You are wrong,” Ethan replies quietly, looking deep into his eyes. “He tried his best, but he was so lost here. I should’ve been the one to look after him, and I failed. I let him leave that night and he never came back.”

He stands up without letting Ivan reply, taking an unsure step backwards.

“I’m sorry, Ivan. I don’t think I’m ready for this. I will just ruin this too. I’m not ready. Please forgive me.”

 

 

**C A I N**

He might still be drunk, but he suddenly can’t stop looking at Ethan, lying under him naked, laughing.

_Was he always this beautiful?_

“Hey, is everything OK? You went all still suddenly.”

“You are ticklish,” he blurts out stupidly, even though it’s not what he wants to say.

“I am. And you are cruel,” Ethan chuckles, lifting himself up on his elbows to place a sloppy kiss on his mouth. “Come on, you look like you’ve seen a ghost. What happened? Did I kick you?”

“I love you.”

Ethan’s face goes all soft, surprised and emotional.

“I know, sexy. You keep saying that for days now,” he kisses him again, his lips smiling against his. “You make me so happy. I love you too.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why do you love me, princess?” he looks at him with real confusion, not understanding how can such a perfect creature like Ethan ever care about him.

“I love you, because,” he pulls Alexei down on top of him, grinding up against him with his hips, circling his arms around his neck. “you are perfect for me. We belong together.”

He gives in to Ethan’s offering lips, kissing him deeply and desperately. He still doesn’t understand why Ethan chose to keep him by his side, why he begged him to stay when he wanted to leave, especially now that he was a useless burden and far from the strong man Ethan deserved.

He kisses Ethan senseless, making him moan and shudder with pleasure, because that’s the only way he can prove himself, the only way he can keep Ethan by his side. Something makes him feel as if this was the last chance to prove his love, the last chance to let Ethan know how much he loves him, so he praises his body with every loving touch, whispering those three little words into his ears over and over again, making love to him for what feels like the last time.

 

When he lies on the cold, frozen concrete the next day, choking on his own blood, he remembers that small unimportant thing that started the argument between them and he wants to laugh. He feels very calm; he knows he will die, but somehow his thoughts are still clear. He feels stupid for leaving; he wants to tell Ethan that he is sorry, that he didn’t want to hurt him and that he shouldn’t have left, that he is sorry that he got drunk and didn’t notice the car.

_Ethan…_

He thinks of Ethan. His sweet Abel. _I love you Abel._

He doesn’t feel the cold anymore, and the world starts to go dark around him.

He sees Ethan’s beautiful face as he smiled at him last night when he tickled him and told him he loved him. He wishes he told him that more often.

_Be happy, Princess. Don’t forget me._

 

 

**A B E L**

He gives in to Ivan’s relentless pleading and meets him at his place a few days later. They sit in the living room, not touching. He refuses the drink Ivan offers him and pretends he didn’t notice Ivan eyeing the new set of hand-shaped bruises on his neck.

After a few tense seconds of silence, Ivan suddenly breaks. He jumps up from the chair and stands in front of Ethan, putting a hand on his heart like a knight offering his services to a princess.

“I’m not going to beat around the bush, Ethan. I understand that you are not ready to date me properly, to start a relationship with me. But I want you to have sex with me at least,” he states valiantly, and Ethan is happy that he didn’t accept the drink because he surely would’ve spit it out in surprise. “Not only because I’m in love with you from the second I heard your voice on the intercom when you saved me, but because I can’t stand around doing nothing, watching you destroying yourself and punishing yourself for something that wasn’t even your fault.”

He falls on one knee in front of him, taking his hands.

“Look, I know it’s hard to deal with grief, I’ve been there, done that. But if you want to forget by having rough sex, let me be the one to do it with you. I will give you what you need, but I will look after you while doing it.”

“Ivan, this is crazy…”

“No, listen to me,” he interrupts him, leaning closer. “just give me a chance. Give me a chance to help you remember how to love yourself and how to be happy again. If you want to take advantage of me while doing it, I’m fine with it. I don’t ask you to marry me, don’t ask you to betray your feelings or to forget your grief… just please, give me a chance to love you. Let me try fixing you.”

Ethan feels dizzy; he doesn’t know how Ivan found out about his crazy sex-addiction, doesn’t know how he thinks he can fix him when they only met twice as civilians. He wants to say no, wants to refuse this lunatic idea and leave, but Ivan grabs him hard by the shoulders when he stands up.

“Spend the night with me, Ethan, please. Let me take care of you,” he seems distressed but resolute. “I’m sure Cain wouldn’t want you to mistreat yourself either, so please… stay with me tonight. Let me look after you. If I fail and you’ll still want to chase unknown men, I’ll let you go, I promise.”

Ethan feels a single teardrop sliding down his cheek, a courier to his silent surrender.

He suddenly feels extremely tired. Exhausted, both physically and mentally.

He is tired of being lonely, tired of feeling worthless and guilty.

He liked himself better when he was with Ivan, so why not giving him a chance?

He lets himself be drawn into a gentle and yet tight hug, let’s Ivan kiss his forehead and cradle him as he cries, nodding into his chest and giving in, because he doesn’t want to be alone anymore. Maybe, _maybe_ Ivan could mend his broken heart and make it into a battered, but functioning and loving one again.

 

_One day, you will wake up next to someone who loves you, someone who will make you the happiest person alive._

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please Tenka (and of course all of you who read this) don't hate me for breaking your hearts! m(_ _)m  
> I admit I cried many tears while writing this fic; I loved to explore this situation and I really enjoyed the writing process, but at the same time I broke my own heart many times too.
> 
> This is the first angst fic I ever wrote, so I'd love to hear your thoughts!
> 
> Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all of you Starfighter babes. ♡


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